10 December 2009

2009 Week 14 Picks

So ever since King Kaufman quit writing for Salon, I've been looking for someone to write picks that make me laugh. I finally found him (why doesn't it surprise me that he's attached to the Rachel Maddow Show?)

Anywho, we're playing the Giants. In prime time. And once again, all the sports commentators are all about the Giants, who have apparently righted their season, eaten their Wheaties, sacrificed the goat, etc., and are now going to make a triumphal run to the playoffs.

In the meantime, the Eagles are BANGED UP. Seriously, I think Andy Reid was like: "Hey, we have a Gatorade cooler. We could slap a jersey on that puppy and throw him in at right tackle!" The sad part is that they're planning to play a tackling dummy at linebacker, too.

And yet, despite all that, Big 5 was all "At my signal, unleash HELL!" against the Falcons last week.

It's December, Bitch. Do NOT mess with the Eagles in December. Because WE WILL MAKE YOU PAY.

Giants, schmiants. Fly, Eagles, fly! On the road to the playoffs - again!

Steelers/Browns. I'm going out on a limb here and picking the Steelers. They've been struggling recently, but they aren't struggling THAT badly.

Saints/Falcons. Saints. My money's on 16-0, baby.

Lions/Ravens. OK, the Ravens are also struggling. But it's the Lions. THE LIONS. Ravens.

Packers/Bears. Packers. HAH! Jay Cutler sucks. As I believe I may have pointed out, like, a MILLION times before.

Seahawks/Texans. Texans! Team of Destiny! I'm back on the bandwagon! Also, the Seahawks suck.

Broncos/Colts. I keep picking against the Colts, and they keep punking me. Dare I pick the Broncos? Oh I dare, all right. Apparently I never learn. Broncos.

Patriots/Panthers. I'm REALLY temped to pick the Panthers. But the Pats are playing for their playoff life (and how weird was THAT to type?), and I just can't do it. Not that I wouldn't love a Panthers win, preferably because Belichick decides to go for it on 4th and 32 at the Pats 3 yard line with the Pats up by 2 in the last 45 seconds of the game, but, really, how likely is that? Patriots.

Dolphins/Jaguars. The Fins are also playing for their playoff life. As are the Jags. Should make for a good game. I won't be watching it - there are too many other excellent options in the 1 pm timeframe Sunday - but it should be a good game. I'm taking the Dolphins.

Bengals/Vikings. Are the Bengals for real? Have the Vikings been feasting on an easy schedule? We should have some answers by 4 pm Sunday. I'm picking the Bengals. With my fingers crossed. Which makes it tough to type, let me tell you. asdjpirtrt9ub,.

Bills/Chiefs. Bills. Whatever. Who cares? Did you hear that TO's becoming a model? I knew playing outside a major media market would freakin' KILL him.

Jets/Buccaneers. I'm going out on a limb and picking the Bucs to upset the Jets. Why? Two words: Kellen Clemens. Who is no Mark Sanchez. Who's not all that to begin with.

Rams/Titans. Titans. Man, oh man, are the Rams bad. The Skins are all "maybe we need to blow up the team and start over." No, you do not need to start over. The RAMS need to start over. Actually, they might want to burn the Jones Dome to the ground and salt the earth.

Redskins/Raiders. Of course, that still doesn't mean that the Skins are good. Because they're not. And they're without Clinton Portis, maybe forever. Raiders.

Chargers/Cowboys. You *know* the Chargers are going to win. So do I . I just hope they don't make Tony Romo cry. That's our job.

Cardinals/49ers. Damn it. The Cards seem to be getting hot at just the right time. Again. Cards. Damn it. Could someone pants Fitz to ease the pain? Please?

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