25 November 2006

Thanksgiving Special: Fashion Commentary

One of the good Thanksgiving football traditions (as opposed to the stupid traditions of being forced to watch some terrible Lions game and the damn Cowboys) is the tradition of wearing throwbacks. There have been some fine moments in coaches' sartorial choices (Tom Landry), and some things that should never be seen - or spoken of - again (Andy Reid in horizontal stripes...shudder). There have been some great uniforms over the years, and some truly awful disasters that aren't worthy of the name. So in honor of the holiday and of fine and not-so-fine uniforms past and present, I bring you my top 5 and bottom 5 uniforms:

The few, the proud, the teams who actually look good:
5. Steelers: gotta love that black & yellow, particularly since all the sports teams in the 'Burgh share the same colors. If you've never been there, seeing the bridges that cross the Three Rivers painted some combination of those colors is a sight to behold.
4. It pains me to say it, but the Cowboys navy blue jerseys and white pants are a classic. Their logo design is simple and eye-catching, and I have to put their uniforms on the top 5 list, even if TO happens to be in one.
3. The Raiders: the team might be craptacular, but they rock the black & white pirate motif hard.
2. The Eagles' midnight green jerseys with white pants is a new classic. A lot of the recent uniform redesigns have been somewhat less than successful. And I was worried when I heard they were dropping the kelly green and changing the eagle. But this redesign works for me: modern, cool, menacing. Good job, guys! Plus: Vera Wang-designed cheerleader uniforms!
1. The top uniform of all time is, without a doubt, the Chargers' powder blue throwbacks. The color combo is awesome, bright and interesting, and the lightning bolts on the arms and legs are genius. Bravo, Chargers, bravo!

Bonus pick:
The Saints uniforms are great, too. The black and gold is classy, the fleur de lis is New Orleans all over, and the state of Louisiana on the jerseys is a nice touch.

But you're not here to read kudos for the good choices - you're here to read my mocking of the badness. So without further ado...

I can't believe your wife let you leave the house wearing that!
5. Anyone all in white. People! This is football! Why would all-white uniforms ever seem like a good idea to anyone?
4. The Vikings' new uniforms. Let me preface this by pointing out that I like purple, quite a bit actually. And the older, simpler design was pretty good. The new one? Way too flashy. Brad Johnson and Fred Smoot aren't Siegfreid and Roy, and shouldn't try to look like them.
3. On the topic of "way too flash," the Cardinals' all red uniforms are badness too. When small children confuse your linebackers with Santa in August, you know you've made a bad choice.
2. The Seahawks. Chef Spouse disagrees, but I just can't get behind white men wearing neon colors, even if it is just trim.
1. And the prize for the number one worst uniforms in the NFL and the complimentary palliative subscription to GQ goes to: the Bengals. Men in animal skins? Yes. Particularly if the men in question are ripped and in loin cloths. ROWR! Men in animal prints? Hell, no.

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