07 November 2006

2006 Week 9 Recap

Bye Week

OK, I understand that the modern NFL is all about parity - the salary caps, the draft positioning, etc. I get it, really I do. But could someone please explain to me what the hell is going on? Every week I think things can't get any weirder, and every week they do.

Case in point: the Lions killed the Falcons.

Case in point two: the Steelers whole season to date. Admittedly, the Broncos officially have an offense. But the defending champs' season is basically over. Maybe Cowher really is retiring. He and Parcells seem to be sharing the same lack of focus. But it still makes no damn sense.

Case in point three: OK, we all knew that the Bears would lose sooner or later. It's pretty unusual to go the whole way to the Super Bowl and not lose a single game. But they lost to the Dolphins. THE DOLPINS.

????

And speaking of bizarre, I sure hope you were able to watch the Skins/Cowboys game, wherever you were. The Cowboys inexplicably didn't contest a safety that wasn't a safety. Then they inexplicably went for 2 in like the first quarter. Hey Tuna, your playbook may have said to go for 2, but the first rule of football is: Take the sure points early in the game.

Then Tony Romo throws a beautiful, perfectly placed long pass that was a guaranteed TD to Captain ME!, who proceeds to drop it. HA! I will never get tired of watching that replay on SportsCenter. I'll be 102 in a nursing home, senile, not even sure who I am, and that will play on some "Great Screw Ups in Sports" show, and I will still laugh my bony a** off.

Finally, Mike "Punk" Vanderjagt muffed a game-winning chip shot field goal (he had a little help from blockers who completely forgot to, well, block), then the refs gave the Skins 15 yards on what should have been a 5 yard penalty, and the rest is history. I hope little Mikey Irvin is happy. I know I am - it's never a bad week when Dallas loses.

The Ravens beat the Bengals, which was not too surprising. Billick's working out well as head coach/offensive coordinator, especially since he keeps calling those picks returned for major yardage and/or TDs. Brilliant. More coaches should try that.

How did the Giants only beat the Texans by 4 points? Did they forget to play the second half? In worse news for the Giants, Michael Strahan is out for probably 4 weeks (maybe the rest of the season) with a sprained foot.

Bills/Packers...oh, sorry, I dozed off for a minute there. This recap is late because it's been a really tough week. Chef Spouse has been working almost around the clock as two contracts he's been on near their big network cutovers, and I've been preparing for my last event as Interim CEO, a major conference in Big D (yes, I'm in enemy territory this week, wearing my Westbrook jersey just to annoy the natives)...wait, what was I talking about? I keep losing the thread. Oh yeah - the Bills beat the Pack. Yawn.

The Chiefs beat the Rams. I was right: 4-3 in the AFC is still pretty different from 4-3 in the NFC.

Dear Saints: thanks for beating the Bucs for us twice, since we couldn't manage it for ourselves. So will the Saints win NFC South? As I said several weeks ago, Sean Payton's sure looking like coach of the year at this point.

I figured it was the week for the Jags to screw up again, and I was way wrong - they trounced the Titans. So maybe next week against the Texans? Jack Del Rio's probably encouraging Byron Leftwich to ride a motorcycle without a helmet. And bungee jump. And order raw oysters in really sketchy dives. And start dating Britney Spears now that K-Fed's out of the picture.

The 49ers beat the Vikings in a totally boring game.

Know how many teams are 4-4 in the NFC right now? 5. That's a lot, sports fans. Particularly with 5 teams better than 4-4. The wildcard race is going to be, well, wild, this year.

Chargers 32, Browns 25: is this actually a football score? What was going on there? When your point increments are 3 and 7, how do you come up with 32-25?

The Colts/Pats matchup was truly a great game. Both teams played incredibly well. The Pats just made a few more mistakes. Now everyone's talking MVP for Peyton Manning. Here's the thing, though: he'll collapse in the playoffs again, bet the mortgage. If we're the JV Bills, then the Colts are the JV Eagles. Hey, at least we've been getting to the conference championship games!

Seriously, how did the Raiders/Seahawks mess end up on MNF? After two surprising wins, the Raiders have returned to their customary dreadfulness. Interesting stat: the Raiders are the first team in NFL history to be shut out twice on MNF in the same season. And it's only week 9! This is getting funny. Maybe all their remaining games should be moved to Monday night, and then each week it can be all about "See team X destroy the Raiders this week!" Did you catch the kneeing in the crotch? Yeah, those Raiders sure are classy.

Also, I was too hasty last week - the idiots at ESPN not only haven't ditched the celebrity interview, they had Christian Slater on. Now, I love me some "Heathers," don't get me wrong, but Christian frapping Slater? It's been at least 10 years since he's done anything worth watching. And his turn on MNF did not change that. It may in fact have been the most painful celebrity a**-kissing I've ever watched. And I'm addicted to VH1.

Meanwhile, back at the Nova Care Complex, I hope everyone has had a chance to learn and grow and cry and hug and pull their heads out of their asses and figure out how to win some damn games in the bottom half of the season!


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