30 November 2006

2006 Week 13 Picks

These short weeks with the Thursday games on the NFL Network are killing me! And I'm just trying to write about the games. I feel REALLY sorry for the players.

It's been a really busy fall. Chef Spouse and I have both been going crazy with work - I was acting CEO of my org for a while and am running an office move that goes down in a week, and I've been doing a fair amount of business travel on top of that. Case in point? This week I'm in California at a conference, and Chef Spouse will be on business in Gotham by the time I get back.

My point? We're going to have to watch MNF over the phone. I'll have to put together a conference call with Chef Spouse, Life-Long Eagles Fan Mom, and You-Two-Calm-Down-or-I'm-Turning-Off-the-TV Dad. My life is officially too complicated. To top if off, it's just over 3 weeks to Christmas. Envelopes full of $20s for everyone!

But at least I will get home in time to watch us play the Panthers on MNF. Who will win? Who the hell knows at this point? Our season's in the midst of going kafluie, but the Panthers can't decide from week to week whether to be great or suck royally. Our D's probably in trouble - they're likely to get seriously burned by Steve Smith. But honestly, who knows? I'm a homer (but you already knew that), so I'll call a win for us (based also on the fact that we didn't give up last week against the Colts, finally showing a little spirit), but it really could easily go either way.

OK, tonight's game: Ravens at Bengals. This is the Ravens' chance to pretty much lock up the AFC North. Yeah, they'd be at 10-2 and the Bengals would be at 6-6 with 4 games to go, so the Bengals could tie it up, but that ain't gonna happen. Neither is a Bengals win.

This week, tune in to see Dennis "Wildman" Green foam at the mouth and bite someone on stadium security as the Cards fall to the Rams, extending their losing streak to, um, pretty much the whole season.

After the way their respective seasons started, I can't believe I'm going to call this, but I think the Skins will beat the Falcons. The two teams are definitely moving in different directions at this point. You know, we haven't played the Falcons yet. I wonder if we actually have two different receiving corps, or if the NFL's been economizing and using the same set of dropsie-prone guys for both teams. I mean, once the helmets are on, it's tough to tell who's who. Think about it - it would explain a lot.

Is there any chance the Lions won't get killed by the Patriots? No, even if they have inexplicably picked up Vinny Testaverde, who could win this game for them if necessary. I could probably win this game for them if necessary. And I'm only 5' 5", so it's not like I'd even be able to see over the offensive line without a boost.

Hey look! This week the Colts get to beat the Titans! This is getting a little boring. Maybe we should start an exchange program, where teams that play the Colts get to swap players at one position for the week. So, for instance, the Titans would get Marvin Harrison, and the Colts would get, like, Courtney Roby or Jonathan Orr. The Colts would probably still win, but at least it might make the game a little more exciting.

The Chiefs should have no trouble with the Browns. I got nothin' here.

Poor Vikings! The only way they beat the Bears is if they lock Brian Urlacher in a closet.

I don't really care about the outcome of the Jets/Packers game. Oooo! I know! Let's start a pool on how many receptions the Jets' secondary will have off Brett "Will You Just Shut the Hell Up and Retire Already!" Favre! I'm in for $20 and 3.

The Bills are going to get steamrolled by the Chargers.

Oh, wait. I should've saved the "steamrolled" line for 49ers/Saints. You know, there are 1760 yards in a mile. I wonder if that's what Drew Brees is aiming for?

I'm calling Texans/Raiders the Most Painful Game of the Week. You know you agree. Ugh.

I think the Dolphins are going to take the Jags - they're on a 4 game winning streak and looking a lot better lately. The Jags, meanwhile, like so many other teams (us, Panthers, Giants, Falcons, Rams - I could go on) just can't seem to decide whether to be good or bad. Little tip guys: being good is more fun for you, but being bad is more fun for me. And improves your draft position. Just some food for thought.

The Cowboys are heading to the Meadowlands for their second meeting with the Giants this season. C'mon Giants! Pull it together! And somebody keep Michael Strahan away from the press. And Tom Coughlin away from the press AND the team. And Plaxico Burress and Michael Strahan away from each other. And get Eli a shrink. Oh, and order me a spinach and feta pizza while you're at it.

OK, the Steelers should be able to take the Bucs. They're in a complete tailspin, but the Bucs aren't a tough opponent for anybody but, um, us.

And the big one: Seahawks/Broncos Sunday night. The Broncos have lost to the Chiefs and Chargers in their last two games and switched QBs. To a rookie. Which, actually, has been working reasonably well for a lot of teams this year, but has a definite air of desperation about it at this point. Meanwhile, Hasselbeck and Alexander are back, and coming off a big win against the Packers in the snow globe last week. I don't see the Broncos pulling this one off.


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